Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Daylight Savings=Evil Biatch

OK, so is it just  me or do you other moms to 1 year old's find Daylight Saving's Time to be, in one word a: NIGHTMARE! Maybe it's because I am like an obsessive schedule person and it has totally thrown off my child and myself. Instead of gaining an hour, myself, my husband and my son have all lost SEVERAL! Even the dogs are confused! Granted, Mason has been having a little tummy problem, watery diarrhea anyone? But he has been unable to keep his eyes open and goes to sleep at about 7:30 whereas we were lucky if he was asleep by 8:45 before this wretched time change. Previously he would be asleep by 9, wake up once maybe twice to nurse for 5  minutes, then sleep until 7. Now he is asleep by 7:30, by midnight he is up and down at least every 20 minutes and gets up at 5AM! I'm about to go curl up with the Mother/Daughter deer duo hanging in my yard every night if this continues. 

My moods have been so intense that being thrown off our schedule like this has made me even more neurotic. 

In other news, my weeks since my last post have been pretty ridiculous.  I got drunk for the first time  in about 3 years (at a memorial fundraiser, yeah bad move), I've had about 4.5 rages, contemplated suicide when I've had PMS, was unable to function in my daily life causing my husband to take days off of work...again. Oh the list goes on. The joys of being a Blissfully Bipolar Mommy...

Friday, October 19, 2012

Want some cheese with that whine?

Well  here I sit once again, realizing that even typing has been to much of a hassle. Not only that, my computer has been a real bitch lately. It has decided to take on a mind of it's own and randomly goes into "sleep" mode which is really quite irritating. Every time I press the "space bar" it goes to sleep on me. I have to literally throw the keyboard against the wall and bang in on the stupid desk to get it to stop doing that. 

Any who, my depression has been coming and going in severity. Some days it's a lot more tolerable. I have noticed when I have PMS it is significantly worse. But, I have PMDD also so that makes my bipolar worse even when I am not depressed. Ugh, I sound like such a mess.

I was reading something in one of my parenting magazines about how it's not necessarily a good thing for a child to have a label such as "ADHD" because their teachers tend to give up on them or write them off or just let them float on through for the sake of the fact that they can't focus. That seriously bugs me. Working as a teaching assistant especially with kids that had mental illnesses, you would think it would be so rewarding for a teacher to see these kids  accomplish stuff. Just because a child is hyper doesn't mean they aren't intelligent and as deserving as "normal" kids of an education. I hope to God that if I had a child with ADHD (which is very likely given my husband and I both have it) that teachers wouldn't just pay him no mind and make him feel like a lost cause. Makes me sick just thinking about it. Had to rant about that. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

mentally ill inmates

I have been having some random thoughts lately about mentally ill prisoners. I know, this is a random thought but one I have been fascinated with since I did a paper on mentally ill juvenile delinquents in college. The thoughts popped back in my head recently when I heard about a guy I knew in high school that is four years older then me. We hung out with the same group of people and he was in the same grade as my sister (small school so you know everyone in every grade). We were diagnosed with Bipolar at the same time and also were placed in the same psychiatric hospital at the same time (where he ultimately escaped). After this, he was a huge help to me. He had gotten himself better with the correct treatment plan and was a huge help in trying to get me to do the same. Time went on and we lost touch over the years. He has gotten in a lot of trouble has been in several accidents and even lost one of his legs from a serious car accident. He has been a woman beater, a severe drug addict and a convict. He recently got out of prison and this past weekend I heard he had been arrested for stabbing his brother multiple times (his brother is fine). Everyone's reaction was "eww he deserves to rot in jail," "can't say I'm surprised " "what a scumbag,"  etc. While mine, was sorrow. I felt truly sorry for him. I know he struggles with severe mental health issues and I also know he has rages which a lot of his "friends" enjoyed getting a reaction out of him. He has a terrible drug addiction as well. I genuinely feel sad that he has gotten to such a low. I know he is very sick and needs treatment for not only his multiple mental illnesses but his alcohol and drug addictions. I truly feel he needs to be placed in a high security mental health facility, not a prison cell. 

Perhaps my sadness towards this person and people like him is why I went in this field of work. I worked with teenagers that had severe criminal histories as well as mental illness. They were die hard gang members, rapists, drug addicts and even murderers. And I loved them. These kids were mainly victims of nature vs. nurture. I had parents that worked very hard to get me help and still do. These kids had parents that were physically, mentally and sexually abusive toward them and were severe drug addicts. 

I thought it would be interesting to get some statistics together like I did for my paper to show you how many people are being placed in the justice system and not receiving help. First, I want you to know. Some people in the prison systems regardless of their illnesses DESERVE to be there. They cannot be saved. They are passed that point of return. I even saw kids I knew would never get well. They were just to far gone. I also believe that if the justice system did psych evaluations on every repeat offender, nearly all would be diagnosed with a mental health issue. 

This is a topic I am truly passionate about and have often thought about it. Here are those statistics I promised! 

  • 73% of all female prisoners have mental illness(s) 
  • 55% of male prisoners have mental illness(s)
  • In 1998 Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS) estimated 283,000 inmates suffered from mental illness and in 2006 that number was estimated to be 1.25 million
  •  According to Human Rights Watch, deficient mental health services in prisons and jails leave prisoners under-treated or not treated at all. Across the country, prisoners with mental health problems face a shortage of qualified staff, lack of facilities and prison rules that interfere with treatment. "Human Rights Watch", 2006
  • Prison staff often punish mentally ill offenders for symptoms of their illness, such as being noisy, refusing orders, self mutilating or even attempting suicide. Mentally ill prisoners are thus more likely than others to end up housed in especially harsh conditions, including isolation, that can push them over the edge into acute psychosis. "Human Rights Watch", 2006
This was just a couple to give you a general idea of what I was referring to. It really is a controversial yet interesting topic. Give me your thoughts! If you disagree, disagree! If you agree, agree! If you don't know, it gave you something to think about which is what my purpose behind this post was. 

Friday, September 28, 2012

My Knight in Dirty Work Boots

Being that I have been suffering from the lovely depressive side of Bipolar lately, I tend to get very emotional about the people I love. Especially: My husband or as I refer to him as my "Knight in Dirty Work Boots" being that he is a Plumber and all, work boots are his "armor." Unless you want to call all the pipes and tools and works with his armor, so be it. 

Last night, once again I could not sleep, even though it feels like the only thing I want to do. I sat there staring at my husband sleeping, thanking God that I ended up with a man who can STAND me! I am a literally the most difficult person most days. He never knows who he is going to wake up with or who he is going to come home too. It has got to be a nightmare. Mind you, we started dating when he was 17 and I was 15. I was a hot mess even back then, cutting myself, attempting suicide, I was terribly violent and would hit him over the most ridiculous of things. Now my violence has mostly subsided, but has been replaced with much worse verbal abuse. I say things that are incredibly cruel and if someone said them to me I would probably jump off a cliff. I know the things that will trigger him and I say them so I can get my release. 

Bipolar is truly a selfish disease. Even though I don't choose to be Bipolar and can't help these outbursts, it is horrifying that the only way I can get my release is to make my husband feel like a complete, incompetent failure. Fortunately, he has does a terrific job of tuning me out (even when I am not in a rage!) and uses that handy skill during this time. He always forgives me and never holds these venomous words against me. Thank God. 

Many a times, I spend so much time feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for being this way and torturing my husband with this disease. Would he be better off with a "normal" wife? Yeah, definitely! Would he be completely sober? Umm, most likely! Would he be...Happier? For sure! 
These questions and answers bombard my mind. I know he loves me, I know he is happy with me. But, part of me believes he puts up with it because I was his first love, first girlfriend, first everything. He was 17! It's a comfort thing. To be perfectly honest, we are genuinely in love. We have great conversations, we are incredibly close and comfortable with each other  Our marriage for the last couple of years has grown stronger and we are the best we have ever been in one sense. But part of me still wonders if he would be better off with someone that doesn't cause him so much strife. 

For right now I am just going to thank my lucky stars that I have been blessed with this incredible version of my "Knight in Shining armor." A lifetime is a long time and I hope he can put up with me that long. It is a hard thing to do to put yourself in someone else's shoes and empathize with what they must be going through and I cannot for a single second imagine dealing with what my husband has had to for the past 10 years has been remotely easy. I am very fortunate he has, and is. Praise Jesus for our Knights! 
The Hubs & I para-sailing in 2010

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Lack of Drugs=Crazy Chick

I haven't written in awhile. Been in a bit of a funk. This whole not being on medication thing is starting to come crashing down. I've been debating on self-medicating. If I didn't hate being hungover or have severe heartburn issues, I would totally become an alcoholic. Well, OK... probably not. The one thing I have always prided myself on was not self-medicating. Yes, I went through my pot smoking adolescent phase and became a serious drinker when I was 18. But, I never got "addicted."  In all honesty, it made me feel worse. The beginning I loved getting drunk. I hugged everybody, danced for hours, and always had people to party with. Then you know every good thing must come to an end. I was over it. I get bored easy! I got sick of waking up every morning and stepping over bodies passed out on the floors of mine and Nick's first house. Life goes on. 

Now that my little trip down alcohol memory lane is through. Back to my lack of medication. My ups are so up my downs so down. I have seriously no idea what person is going to open their eyes in the morning. Bitchy Kaiti, Sweet Kaiti, Angry Kaiti, Crying Kaiti, Kaiti ready to face the day, Kaiti ready to crawl under a rock and die. It's sooooooo agonizing. The worse part is, I can wake up completely Sweet Kaiti, then by 9 AM I am totally Crying Kaiti. Ugh.. It's exhausting! My weekends are much worse because I allow myself to feel more because I know Nick can care for Mason. During the day on weekdays I am totally in "Mom-Kaiti Mode." Which is a miracle. I just don't know how much longer I can hold myself together. See how exhausting this is?! I am exhausted just typing it out! 

Now for some more entertainment! Mason's first Birthday party went wonderful and here are some pics! Enjoy my sweet little man. 

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Four Wheelin' Fool!

Mason's 1st Birthday party was a SUCCESS!!! Yippee! It was such a perfect day, nice breeze, not to hot, just perfect. Everything came out great. The Very Hungry Caterpillar theme was a H-I-T HIT! I can't wait until the pictures are done so I can post them. 

I still can't believe my little guy is one! Wow. Time has buzzed by. My sister got him a little four wheeler and naturally he thinks he is like the hippest guy in town with this thing. See for yourself:
We were back at it at 7:30 this morning which is why he is still in his pj's and camouflage  slippers. He thought he was quite the stunt master!

Hope Everyone has a fab three day weekend! Back to playing with some cool new toys with Mason :) 

Friday, August 31, 2012

Trips Down Memory Lane.

It's nearly 11 PM and I have course can't sleep. At 2:05 AM it will officially be a year since my sweet little Mason man was born. Wow. A whole year has gone by. Some days it seems like he was born last week, most days though it seems like we  have had him forever. It's amazing how you forget what life was like before this miniature human entered your world. I honestly was so excited about him turning one. I am not a baby person, more into the walking, talking, slightly more independent years. Now, I am a sobbing mess. I have looked at pictures all day (in between baking 157 mini cupcakes). I am proud of myself for being the mom that I am even though I feel psychotic inside. He rarely sees that side of me, and what he does see is minimal. So I am taking a much deserved second to pat myself on the back. 
Mason...9/1/11 @ 2:05 AM

In other news. This birthday party is well...a bitch. I have spent countless hours, days and months planning it. I hope it all turns out the way I am envisioning it too. Like I said in prior posts, if not I will cry. Which isn't too far of a stretch since I am a big baby like that. 

I'm also peeved by the fact my dear friend, one time inseparable best friend Lu whom I met at 3rd grade moving up day (fourth and fifth grades went to a different school, yeah it's weird) texted me tonight to tell me she will be moving several states away to Alabama to go live with her parents who left NY when we were 17. I am devastated. We have become really close again after losing two childhood friends whom I spoke of in a separate post. I will give you a back story on me and Lulu. We have a wonderful past. As earlier stated, we met when my school would be joining a school in the next town over for fourth and fifth grades. Her 3rd grade class had to pick a "buddy" to show them around the school. I of course was a complete tomboy in my overalls and plaid button up shirt and hair that my dad styled into a slick-backed 'do sprayed with Aquanet. Yeah, not a pretty scene. So naturally I was not picked first to be someones "buddy." So me and one more person were left. Lu looked at me with her flared jeans, flowered top and pigtails and said "well I guess I pick you" with an attitude like whoa! So I was so excited cause I had never met anyone like her with her southern accent and all. She wasn't much of a tour guide but was sure to point out the "boys bathroom" which was sweet...not. Then toward the end of our tour, she looked at me and said "cool nail polish." Mind you, it was the most hideous shade of lime green one could own. Ever since then, we were friends. I will never forget that day. We spent every second we could together. She taught me how to shave my legs, she died my hair for the first time (at 11 and it came out pinkish orange), smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, we hunted for the Blair Witch whom we were certain lived in my parents woods, caught frogs with, played soccer with, had McDonald's pie eating contests after every soccer game with, brought my homework home when I was out sick from school, dressed in old lady outfits (a little to often) and became "Marge & Midge," cried together every time we watched Beaches and and Now and Then, bought me every Ja Rule CD when I went through an adolescent obsession, she plucked my eyebrows cause I was to scared, told all my secrets to, ate Klondike bars on my grandma's porch... with my grandma, road a CAMEL with, snowboarded together, broke a lot of laws together, got into fist fights with each other only to make up minutes later, got in fist fights with other people sticking up for each other, had spice girl dance parties with ...gosh the list goes on and on. You get the point. We had been inseparable for 12 years. Then she got married a month before I did to a guy that I had despised for a lot of years. I never liked him and never thought he would amount to a thing (he has proved me right so far). We grew apart. We went from living together (literally) to talking a handful of times a year. Maybe it had something to do with me telling her she shouldn't marry this guy...on her wedding day, oops.. But when we did talk things never seemed to change, we reverted right back to Kaiti and Lulu. Over the past couple of months we have been talking several times a week and truly have returned to a good place. I am so torn up about her moving. I do think it is for the best and life must go on, but it is still heartbreaking. 

Alright, gonna try to hit the hay. A looooonnnng day tomorrow for this lil' fam!